Satire. This story is fiction. The roasting is sincere and the scores are real.

Brett Pinholster's lineup showed up to the biggest game of the season, scored 84.90 points, and immediately asked to be excused. The McGriddle Stack, which ESPN gave an A on draft night and which the league had nicknamed 'a stack' in a tone that was supposed to be flattering, lost by 100.22 points to Nguyenning. It is the most lopsided game of the year and the second time this month Brett has been the star of a post-mortem.

Eyewitnesses describe the scene. 'He set the lineup like a man ordering at a drive-thru,' said a source close to the McGriddle front office. 'Then he ate a breakfast sandwich and watched it all happen.' Another source reports that kicker Will Reichard, who scored 0.0, 'was not available for comment, because he was apparently not available for the game.' The kick was never attempted. Neither was the effort.

The 0.0 earned Brett his first shotgun of 2026, which also ended the sober club, a group that has been shrinking since September and had two members entering Sunday. Brett had been telling people he was 'clean.' He is now a man with a beer to drink on camera and a first place game to explain. A source said he plans to 'handle it with dignity.' A second source said he plans to 'blame the kicker.' The kicker is already aware.

Nobody should write him off. The McGriddle Stack is still 5–3, still in the top four, and still has a receiver room that was legitimately great on paper. But the league would like to note that when the game mattered, the stack was not a stack. It was a pile. A short, sad, breakfast-flavored pile, with a kicker on top.