Laser FIRE SEX PARTY
12 owners. One tie-in with the treasurer. Zero self-control. Welcome to the 2026 season.
3
shotguns owed
through Week 1
through Week 1
2025 Champion
Courtney Stevens
12 owners. One tie-in with the treasurer. Zero self-control. Welcome to the 2026 season.
The original rule, straight from the league bylaws: if you start someone that gooses you — 0 or negative points — you owe the league a shotgun of an alcoholic beverage, filmed, before the next week's games kick off. Below: who's currently owed, and who almost joined them.
Named the whole team after him. He repaid you with nothing. Also lost by 36. Rough Sunday, rougher Monday.
Put up 142 and still drinking. Pitts remains the most expensive way to score zero in fantasy football.
Won the week, lost the flex. Waddle also put up 0.7, so this was nearly a double. All gas, no separation.
Chad started a kicker and a defense that combined for 2.2 points. Two chances to drink, dodged both. Consider it a warning shot.
Half the league is 1-0 and insufferable about it. The other half already has a strategy for the Sacko punishment.
| Rk | Team | Owner | PF | PA | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Dart Side of The Beer Mile | T. Darrell | W1 | 166.94 | 128.28 |
| 2 | Nguyenning | A. Nguyen | W1 | 142.24 | 119.82 |
| 3 | Rashee-d For Speed | Chris Stevens | W1 | 141.98 | 112.8 |
| 4 | Chasing Last Place | J. Marsicano | W1 | 134.12 | 124.26 |
| 5 | All Gas No Drakes | Courtney Stevens | W1 | 128.24 | 91.7 |
| 6 | Russini Rash | C. Slagh | W1 | 127.02 | 82.22 |
| 7 | Javaris Jamarr Javarison-Lamar | S. Liao | L1 | 128.28 | 166.94 |
| 8 | Bass To Mouth | C. Acevedo | L1 | 124.26 | 134.12 |
| 9 | Achane Reaction | T. Dapontes | L1 | 119.82 | 142.24 |
| 10 | Dakstreets Back, Alright! | A. Wendt | L1 | 112.8 | 141.98 |
| 11 | Make Loveland, Not Warren | A. Costanzi | L1 | 91.7 | 128.24 |
| 12 | The McGriddle Stack | B. Pinholster | L1 | 82.22 | 127.02 |
Tanner leads the league in points scored and is the only unbeaten shotgun-free owner in the top six — everyone else up there got there while someone in their lineup went scoreless. Bottom of the table is a bloodbath: McGriddle Stack put up 82 and that still wasn't the worst points-against mark. That belongs to Rashee-d For Speed, who allowed 112.8 and still won by 29.
Matchup by matchup, in case you were at the draft house instead of watching.
The league's highest score of the week, by a mile. Stephen's team put up a very respectable 128 and it still wasn't close. Not a bad way to open a title defense.
Andy's team threw up 142 and still shotgunned a beer for Pitts. That's the fantasy equivalent of tipping 40% at a restaurant that undercooked your steak.
Chris Stevens rolled Andrew Wendt by 29. Two different Stevenses went 1-0 in week one — Chris and Courtney, no relation to each other's success.
Jeff's team-name irony detector is already broken — "Chasing Last Place" opened 1-0. Chad's kicker and defense combined for 2.2 points and that wasn't even the story of his week.
Courtney's team got the win. Alan's Loveland tribute act scored a shotgun and a 36-point loss in the same afternoon — the full experience.
Chris Slagh's D/ST put up 0.42 points and he still won by 45. The McGriddle Stack's 82.22 was the lowest score in the league — somebody forgot the syrup.
Projected totals for the coming slate, plus who's most likely to be filming a shotgun video by Monday.
Bold call of the week
Loveland owner Alan Costanzi is projected for the lowest total in the league again. If this becomes a weekly bit, we may need to rename the shotgun rule the "Costanzi Clause."
Twelve teams, twelve egos. Current 2026 team name up top, throwback identity and original team name below — some of these nicknames deserve to come out of retirement.
Every champion, runner-up, and Sacko since 2019. The dynasty tracker.
A truly dominant season — some say the most dominant in league history. The championship game finished 162–112. The full ESPN breakdown of the most common players on 2023 playoff rosters is linked below.
📄 ESPN: Most Common Playoff Roster PlayersThe KeePER rules — how many players you can keep, and what it costs you.
Straight from the league bylaws, based on the season survey.
Draft: Sunday, September 6th at 6:30 PM. Location shared with the league in advance of draft night.
Positions: to support the girth and heft of this league, the commissioner has instituted a cabinet. First position: Money Man / Trade Fleecer, Tony Dapontes, who handles dues since he's going to end up with most of the money anyway.
Fee: league dues are $100, due by the draft. Venmo the Money Man.
Scoring: the tyranny of the rushing QB is over — passing TDs are worth 6 points this year. The league stayed split 50/50 on head-to-head scoring, so wins/losses remain the same format.
Trades: FAAB is allowed in trades and must be communicated to the league manager for enforcement. Trades move to 1-day execution.
Non-participation penalty (the Shotgun Rule): starting a player with 0 points or fewer in a given week means you owe the league a shotgunned beer, filmed and sent to the group before the start of next week's games. Failure to comply results in punishment decided by league vote.
The Sacko: for 2026, the Sacko chooses either a Double IPA beer mile (a full mile at the track, one double IPA shotgunned before each lap, no walking, filmed, with advance notice so people can watch) or 5 minutes of open mic stand-up. Must be completed before next year's draft or it's a league vote on the punishment.
RS = regular season finish (record, then total points). Winner's Bracket runs the top 6 seeds; the Sacko Bracket runs the bottom 6 for the league's least desirable trophy.
WINNER'S BRACKET
SACKO BRACKET
Appointed by Commissioner Christopher Stevens.
