Satire. This story is fiction, written with love and a tiny bit of malice.

PARIS — Tourists were warned about pickpockets. Nobody warned the Stevenses about the Week 7 scoreboard. While Commissioner Chris Stevens and defending champion Courtney Stevens toured the City of Light, both of their fantasy teams were taken to the cleaners, and this publication can confirm that Louis Vuitton was not the only thing being looted in Paris. So were the lineups.

The damage is on the record. Chris's Rashee-d For Speed put up 109.08 and lost by 27.98 to Nguyenning. Courtney's All Gas No Drakes scored 69.20, a number that would be a respectable temperature in Paris in November and is a disgrace on a fantasy scoreboard. Combined, the two Stevens teams scored 178.28 points, barely more than Chasing Last Place put up on its own against a defenseless Achane Reaction, with 145.44 and a good attitude.

Eyewitnesses describe the scene. "They were standing at the Eiffel Tower, phones out, setting lineups, and the whole thing was being pickpocketed in real time," said a source who was not in Paris and does not exist. "Courtney asked a waiter for a roster. He gave her a baguette. It scored better." Another source noted that the Stevens duo were reportedly seen "with a lot of Louis Vuitton bags and no running backs," which, as a roster strategy, has been tried before and ended in a 69.20.

Investigators believe the crime was committed by three suspects: jet lag, a six-hour time difference, and a French croissant. The group chat has demanded a recount. The recount confirmed that Courtney was in fact beaten by Myers Diggs, a team that started a receiver who scored zero. When your opponent is committing a shotgun offense and you still lose by 27, there is no pickpocket to blame. That is just a pounding.

The Commissioner, who is also responsible for enforcing the league rules, was seen filing an appeal for himself. It was denied. "We must respect the process," he said, on a rooftop, with a croissant, while his team sat two games into a skid. Courtney, a defending champion, has lost three in a row and is currently 4–3, a position she describes as "a layover."

Analysts are urging calm. G.R.I.D. 9000 projects both teams to rebound, noting that "nothing says recovery like a flight home." Chris is a projected 12-point favorite against Achane Reaction in Week 8. Courtney is a projected 2-point favorite at Dakstreets, which is, in this league, a coin flip with a dress code.

Until then, the Stevens duo has one message for the league: Paris is lovely, the lineups are not, and the next time anyone sets a lineup from a boat on the Seine, please send a text first. Au revoir, points.