Satire. This story is fiction. The roasting, however, is sincere.

Let the record show that Cam Skattebo was available. Not "available for a king's ransom." Not "available if you overpay." Available for pennies on the dollar, on a silver platter, from an owner who was practically begging someone to take him. And two grown men, both of whom describe themselves as contenders, looked at that platter and said, in effect, "No thanks, I'm full."

Those men are Andy Nguyen and Stephen Liao. Between them they have a combined 9–5 record, a spreadsheet's worth of analysis, and not one working instinct. "We reviewed the film," said a source close to Nguyenning, who does not exist but would absolutely say this. "The film showed a running back. The box score showed a zero. We trusted the box score." Reviewing a single game and drawing a conclusion is, medical experts agree, the exact method used by people who lose.

Stephen's side fared no better. Sources describe a man who drafted fourteen separate Skattebo proposals, each requiring Tanner to send more and receive less, and then sent none of them, because sending them would have required confidence. Asked why he never pulled the trigger, Stephen reportedly said he "wanted to see one more week," which is what people say right before the price goes up.

Meanwhile, Tanner Darrell started Skattebo in Week 6, watched him score nothing, and won by 25 anyway. In an imagined interview conducted entirely in this writer's head, Tanner said: "A zero for a guy I got for free is still free. I'm not worried. The volume is coming." The volume is coming. Everyone with eyes can see it coming. Andy and Stephen apparently have the eyes but not the part that connects to the brain.

G.R.I.D. 9000 projects Skattebo as a top-tier starter on Dart Side of The Beer Mile in the back half of the season, and the model has asked to be on record saying it is "genuinely embarrassed on behalf of two otherwise functioning adults." Come December, a 100-yard Skattebo game will land in somebody's playoff matchup, and Andy and Stephen will open the group chat to ask if he's still available. He is not. He was never going to be again. They had one job, and the job was a free running back.

Reached for comment, Tanner Darrell sent a beer emoji, which this publication has confirmed is the league's official unit of victory. Andy and Stephen declined to comment, which is the smartest thing either of them has done all week.