Satire. This story is fiction. The roasting is sincere and the scores are real.

Tony Dapontes's Achane Reaction scored 100.76 points in Week 8, its first score over 100 since Week 6, and lost by 54.22 to the Commissioner. The team is 1–7. The 100.76 is the kind of number that wins a game in September and loses one in November. This was November.

The scoring was not the problem. Kyler Murray had 22.4, DeMario Douglas had 15.1, and the lineup had no zeros and no close calls. The problem is the other 12 teams. The Commissioner scored 154.98 behind D'Andre Swift (26.9) and Geno Smith (21.0), and the model would like to remind Tony that 'a strong week is relative.' Tony's reply, delivered to the group chat in all caps, was 'THEN I WILL BE RELATIVE.'

Tony remains the league's most active shopper, a man who has been 'open to offers' since the preseason and who believes every one of his players is worth a first-round pick and an apology. Nobody has taken a single one of his offers. A source close to the Achane Reaction front office said the offers 'are not offers; they are hostage notes.'

Next up is The McGriddle Stack, a team that just scored 84.90 and is currently reconsidering its choices. The model gives Tony a 9.7-point deficit in the projection. In this league, that is a coin flip with a bad attitude.